All that Glitters is not Gold

Every so often, DCR features funny replies rather than complaints – such as the recently featured spoof reply from HMRC written by comedian Chris Addison.  Recently, a couple of examples on the subject of gold have been circulating on the web.  If anyone knows the original authors, please let us know. 

The first of these is (allegedly) from to a gentleman by the name of Mr. Silentbill:

Dear Mr. Silentbill,

We are sorry to inform you that the 1 ounce Krugerrand gold coins that you sent us are in fact chocolate coins in gold foil and would not warrant the £30,000 you requested.

Our records shows that this is not the first time that you have sent us items which were unsuitable for appraisal.  As explained in a previous letter, we coud not accept ‘Gold – The Best of Spandau Ballet’ CD, regardless of you stating that track 1 was the song you lost your virginity to.

Just to clarify that when we offer to buy gold, we specify that it is of the precious metal variety.  Seeing as you have failed to grasp this concept then please find the definition of gold below:

“Gold is a chemical element with the symbol Au (from Latin: Aurum “gold”) and an atomic number of 79.  Gold metal is dense, soft, shiny and the most malleable and ductile pure metal known.  Pure gold has a bright yellow color and luster traditionally considered attractive, which it maintains without oxidizing in air or water.  Gold is one of the coinage metals and has served as a symbol of wealth and a store of value throughout history.  Gold standards have provided a basis for monetary policies”.

We hope this clarifies the matter and we please ask that you do not send any more items unless they are of the gold variety described above.

Yours sincerely,

gold letter 1

The second example is on the same lines.  This one (allegedly) comes from another of the online gold buyers – from Pompano Beach Florida (which is a place I know very well as it happens).  This time, it is a consignment of gold nuggets rather than gold coins that is being called into question:

Dear Mr. Haberny,

After sending back your zip lock bag of gold painted rocks that you considered “14 karat gold nuggets found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in Singapore“, we find it difficult that you cannot understand the concept of “Do Not Contact Us Again”.

Your fraudulent attempt to extort money from our seasoned geologists (who are experts in identifying precious metals) has forced us to take extreme action; this is your final warning before we contact the authorities.  Your “rocks” have shown up in our inventory three times now.  We will no longer attempt to return them, but will keep them as evidence.  You are not entitled to any money, especially the ludicrous amount of $1,423,061.92 you demanded for your Cash for Gold payment.  Your petition for an “ungreased Hammertime lovemaking session” with our telemarketers Carol and Tracy is feral and preposterous.  Your absurd request to be reimbursed for postage ($167.45, $138.33 & $142.73) is unwarranted and completely illicit.  As a remnder, Mr. Haberny, Ed McMahon passed away June 23, 2009.  It is not only disrespectful but also utterly moronic to request the he host your birthday party at McDonalds.

This is the last time that we will be in contact with you.


Jeff Aronson.

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