Yes, this is a complaint letter about tampons. So “Why is there a cuddly Labrador puppy?” I hear you say. That’s Andrex, not Tampax, right? Well, it’s not just any old Labrador, it’s Marley, and he’s in the letter… which was sent to DCR by the father of the author. Her name is being withheld, in case she doesn’t know that Dad snaffled her correspondence.
I’m really not happy with the quality of the new Tampax and with their ridiculous new applicators.
A couple of months ago, I decided to do the ‘sensible’ thing and stock up on Tampons, you know, like a real grown up.
I grabbed 6 boxes with the new fancy applicators and went on my merry way.
Now, let me just say that I have been having periods now for 14 years so I am not new to this. I know how to insert and remove them properly, I know what absorbency I need. I know how they’re supposed to feel etc. Ever since i have started using these godforsaken Tampons, I have nothing but negative things to say about them.
I see that they are ‘no. 1 for comfort and protection’
Well, thats incorrect in the first place!
I do everything right, every time I use them.
And yet I have the tampon leak (and not just a little spot) every time I use it. And this leaking starts after about 5-10 minutes!
The Tampon will just decide to drop out of my vagina when i go for a wee!
It will annoyingly start poking out to that uncomfortable stage where I either waste a brand new tampon and let the little bugger drop to its death, or I try and push it back in (which, if you’re not a man) you have probably done and yes, it is absolutely gross but we have all done it!
And then, lets move on to the applicator! Well, i don’t know what you felt needed improving about the old applicator but my god it is crap.
Like, proper in the negative numbers if I was giving it a mark out of 10!
Why invent a bloody (pun intended) new applicator that is that shit? I don’t understand!
I follow the instructions (I’ve not just tried to use these tampons once, but I think you may have got that impression already) and the tampon will either not glide out of the applicator and up my VJJ with ease, being stuck half out of the applicator and facing the fate of being thrown in the bin or having to go through the ever so pleasant action of, yet again, sticking it up there with my fingers. Yay!
Because that’s not gross at all! (I’m being sarcastic, if you can’t tell)
There have been times when I have been leaking so badly and have gone to see whether I have filled the tampon. Nope, its been about 5 minutes, its all the way up there, where its supposed to be, and yet I am leaking. So, I have to waste yet another tampon. I take it out and its almost completely white, so i do not need to change absorbency (i tried one of my sisters regular ones and they’re just as crap).
Just when you think I am out of things to bitch and moan about…there’s one more (I’ve probably forgotten some, to be honest).
I came on my period yesterday and had ran out of my good, different brand, tampons so needed to use one of the ‘only use if zombies have taken over’ tampons from the ’emergency’ box. This one was actually coming apart. Like, the string was falling out of the tampon. You don’t advertise that though, do you? If strings are coming off, what is being left in my vagina? Isn’t that one of the things that can cause TSS?1
So as well as being crap, are your new fandangled Tampons also dangerous?
I don’t know about you, but i only have one noo-noo2 and I like to treat it nicely. You know, like most women on this planet!
I will not subject it to this torture anymore!! My nunny3 deserves better!
To be honest, I feel like a flipping 12 year old cave-woman right now.
My pants are padded in toilet roll and i’m just having to go with the flow, so to speak.
I’d appreciate an adequate response as soon as possible, please.
I thought a complaint email would make me feel better, but i think I need to go and grab some chocolate and watch Marley & Me…4
Yours BLOODY frustratingly
Miss C. SMITH
DCR doesn’t know (yet) if Tampax replied. Hopefully Miss Smith’s Dad will keep us posted.
If you would like to read another letter about ‘that time of the month’, you really should check out a classic rant from the ‘Best Ever Complaints’ section on the subject of panty pads here.
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TSS is a security firm based in Acton, West London. Or it could be Toxic Shock Syndrome ↩
Noo Noo is a sentient vaccuum cleaner in the BBC children’s television programme ‘Teletubbies’. Somehow, from there it became adopted as urban slang for a lady’s private area as in the phrase often used by parents: “Don’t play with your noo-noo darling”. No-one knows why ↩
A Nunny is a small sealskin haversack, used chiefly in Newfoundland. Obviously, it too has entered the urban lexicon as another euphemism for a lady’s front bottom ↩
I told you Marley was in there! ↩