British comedian Joe Lycett is becoming something of a consumer chamion and yet DCR has never featured one of his complaints – so I’m putting that right. Here, the luckless Joe was grappling with the consequences of a dodgy curry when he realised that he didn’t have the 30 pence he needed to get into the toilets at London’s Euston Station.
So, in desperation, he penned this note to Mark Carne, the CEO at Network Rail…1
Urgent Emergency at London Euston
Dear Mark Carne,
I am contacting you regarding an urgent emergency at London Euston and figured, as CEO of Network Rail, you may be able to help.
Last night I enjoyed a Prawn Masala2 and Garlic Naan3 from a curry house in Peckam.4 I had concerns about the hygiene standards of the establishment but my hunger was such that I chose to ignore the warning signs. This today I have been, as my father would say, ‘pissing through my arse’.5
The reason this is relevant to you is that I currently find myself at London Euston train station6 without 30p.7 As your toilet facilities8 demand this fee and I am about to explode I am left in quite the quandary! I have managed to find some privacy perched behind a bin9 on one of the platforms near Delice de France,10 desperately trying to hold in what I anticipate to be an absolute cascading waterfall of post-masala shit.
I was wondering if you might be able to lend me some of your £675,000 salary11 (or 2,250,000 train station toilet trips, you lucky bugger!) to avoid this impending disaster. Either that, or perhaps stop charging for what most people would consider to be a basic human right.
I await your reply, eagerly.
PS. Should you lend me the money I would be delighted to invite you for tea at my home to say thank you, but please give me plenty of notice as I will need to install a turnstile outside the bathroom before your arrival.
If Joe sees this post, perhaps he could let us know whether Mr Carne replied (and indeed whether he made it into the toilets before the cascading waterfall struck).
Mark Carne was the Chief Executive at Network Rail from 2013 to 2018 and should not be confused with Mark Carney who is an economist and banker who served as the Governor of the Bank of England from 2013 to 2020 ↩
For American readers: Masala is a type of curry sauce and the foundation of Chicken Tikka Masala which has replaced fish and chips as the UK’s most eaten dish. Prawn Masala is the more risky variant as Chicken Tikka is first cooked in a Tandoor at 500 degrees celsius which is 932 degrees farenheit whereas in Prawn Masala, raw prawns are just chucked into the sauce for a couple of minutes at the end ↩
For American readers: The naan is an Indian flatbread. There is Plain Nann, Peshwari Naan (stuffed with a fruit and nut paste), Keema Naan (stuffed with minced lamb) and of course Garlic Naan – not to mention the lesser known Nawabi Naan, Roghni Naan, Masala Paneer Naan and Chur Chur Naan ↩
Peckham is a district of south London, England, within the London Borough of Southwark. It is roughly 5.5 miles to the South of Euston Station ↩
For American readers: Arse: (Noun.) British slang for the area of the body substantially comprising the buttocks and originally an Anglo Saxon word for the buttocks: ærs. US equivalents of course are Ass, Butt or Fanny – all three of which have very different meanings on this side of the pond – donkey, rainwater collector and vulva respectively ↩
Euston is the fifth-busiest station in the UK and the country’s busiest inter-city passenger terminal, providing a gateway from London to the West Midlands (Birmingham) , North West England (Manchester), North Wales and Scotland ↩
For American readers: 30p is equivalent to 37c. These days, we have 100 pence to the pound whereas, pre-1971, we used to have 240 pennies to the pound to confuse foreigners ↩
For American readers; Restrooms ↩
For American readers: A trash receptacle ↩
For American readers: Delice de France is a UK bakery/patisserie chain which was not started in Paris or Aix en Provence as you might assume but in Barnes in South London ↩
For American readers: $822,000 ↩