Mind the GAP…. in Our Service

“The top secret information held at the corporate offices is of course the GAP copy of the world atlas. After all, there are just over 307 million Americans and only 126 of them have been abroad (mainly to Stratford upon Avon)”.

Hudson Hotel, NYC: Hot Models and Cold Plates

Hudson Hotel collage new

“I had no problem at all with the glass bathrooms. My wife is a very attractive woman and I rather enjoyed standing on the bed and watching her take a shower. Of course, I would have preferred to stand on the floor but there wasn’t a bit of floor big enough to accommodate both of my modestly sized feet”

Tesco: Who Stole the Macaroni?

“Usually, Spaghetti Bolognese has some spaghetti in it. Potato Lyonnaise more often than not contains some potato. There are exceptions of course – Shepherds Pie and Toad in the Hole spring to mind – but for the most part, the name of these prepared foods is generally a very good guide as to the principal ingredient”

Ibuprofen Liquid Capsules: Easy to Swallow?

“This all seemed like an awful lot of trouble to swallow an “easy-to-swallow” capsule. It occurred to me that it may actually be a great deal easier to introduce the capsule into the gastro-intestinal tract from completely the opposite end! A quick dab of Vaseline and hey presto!”

Starbucks: A Global Pandemic of Mediocrity

starbucks defaced cup

“I’ll never forget queuing very early one morning in a Starbucks near Union Square in San Francisco with all the flakes and hookers – they made the cast of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ look like a bunch of Nobel prizewinners – and the barista looked at me like I was the crazy one just because I’d ordered a Quadruple Tall Latte”

Is it a Car or is it a Sauna?

“The driver’s window goes on strike again. There you are, cruising along the motorway. Your left side, in the full blast of the broken heater, is slowly cooking to a perfect medium rare. Your right side is immersed in a torrent of freezing cold water hitting you at 70 miles per hour”.

The Express Dairies Milkman and The Rocket Launcher

I have considered setting my alarm for 01.45am and lying in wait for him but I just don’t think I would be able to confront him without stuffing a few token bottles of silver-top (and possibly a milk crate) where the sun doesn’t shine.

Unilever: The Lynx Effect

Every spring for the last few years, a family of starlings has moved into the eaves of our house where they nest, and produce lots more starlings before leaving again at the end of the summer. Every morning at 4.30am on the dot, they suddenly come to life and take their morning exercise by running up and down the length of the house within the eaves, just above my daughter’s bedroom.

Northern Rock: the World’s Worst Website

northern rock

“You have a website that doesn’t work with the world’s largest and utterly industry standard computer operating system. The website of the UK’s ninth largest bank goes tits-up on every single new computer sold in the world today. I defy anyone to find a more mind-blowing example of commercial stupidity”.

David Wilson Homes – How Not to Build a House

David wilson homes and Bob

“Mr. Guttering’s unique installation on the rear elevation is a lesson to us all in how to piss-off a homeowner. Not only has he managed to leave a huge gap through which all the rainwater flows (making the downpipes entirely superfluous) but he has also managed to put it directly over the fibreglass mock-lead roof of the dining room below! Whenever it rains, it sounds like we have the entire Nagasaki Drum Ensemble rehearsing in the Dining Room”.