Dear Customer Relations

It’s time to say goodbye

Anthony is giving up his curation of Dear Customer Relations. Do you have the know-how and time to take the site to new heights?

United Airlines: United Breaks Guitars

One day back in 2013, I was having a Turkish beer in an English pub in Almaty, Kazakhstan when one of my Australian drinking partners showed me this Canadian complaint video on his Japanese phone.

COMING SOON: The Volvo Tractor Song

A couple of years ago, I acquired my very first SUV. And my first Volvo. And my first petrol-engined vehicle for many years. It was an XC40, loaded with extras, and I thought it was one of the best all-round cars I had ever driven. But when it went in for service in October, the car came back very poorly indeed. Four months later, not only have Volvo failed to fix it, but they’re saying I broke it – which is not true.

So I thought I’d write a song about it!

CBeebies Bedtime Hour

This complaint to the BBC television channel CBeebies was penned by Matt Coyne, author of the hilarious book, ‘Man vs Toddler – The Trials and Triumphs of Toddlerdom ‘. It takes issue with the BBC’s scheduling of ‘Bedtime Hour’ at 6.00pm.

Trouble at the Airport : the Car Park Stasi

One of our charming local airports once fined me £100 pounds for stopping on an airport road for just 31 seconds. That’s over £11,000 an hour! That, I calculated, was enough to hire 29 100-foot super-yachts in Antigua! Or a private jet – a big private jet!
Well, I thought, that’s a bit over top.
So off I went to my keyboard…

Gummy Bears – Explosion in Airport Security!

Jeffrey Lambert from Toronto had not heard about the powerful laxative effects of Haribo’s sugar-free Gummy Bears. Nor had the nice folks in airport security who decided to do an intimate search just as Jeffery was wishing he had paid more attention!

LIDL – The Wookiee at the Checkout

DCR is endebted to Mrs M.W. of Derby sent in a letter penned by her husband to the German discount supermarket chain LIDL back in 2009 before they were in every town in the UK. Alas, they still haven’t replied. So much for German efficiency.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Fire…

A few years ago, I had a holiday in the Greek Islands – and very nice it was too. Usually after a holiday, I would be complaining to airlines or hotels but this time, I had a very unusual experience involving a faulty cigarette lighter….. and my testicles!

Kogan Mobile: The Ice Cream Snatcher

Yet another complaint to an Australian telecoms giant. This time, it’s Kogan Technologies that are in the firing line in a letter featuring ice cream theft and an invitation to the movies…

PANDORA!: One Ring to Rule Them All

This very long exchange with costume jewellery retailer Pandora was submitted by Stephen Crowley. The Pandora Saga is an epic tale, featuring wizards, elves, orcs, a turkey… and a baboon’s bottom.
You might want to put the kettle on before you read it…